Keinemusikfurdashund (dethcokediscord) wrote,

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On growing.

So now that I am officially sucked back into my LJ, I've been reading it every fucking night to an obscene degree. It is causing me to listen to old songs and want to talk to old friends. I almost feel 19 again which is just so weird. I was miserable then. But because I find myself again with OH SO MUCH to say, that really takes me back. Writing about myself was the biggest coping mechanism I had, although I was still definitely overeating back then as I have been my whole life. However, I'm pretty sure the food was a big part in snuffing out that desire to record everything. Finding Mark really shut me up and allowed me to be happy. Shutting up and being happy really allowed me to over-indulge.

I told my sponsor today that I have always been good at pampering myself and have never been good at taking care of myself. The self-loathing I experienced as a young adult made me feel like fuck it, I should just do whatever I want because I don't matter. Coincidentally, the self-confidence I found later on made me feel like fuck it, I deserve whatever pleasure I can grab. I'm awesome. I should be happy. Without care or consequence. So now it's like I'm reigning it all in and finally finding some balance. Growing the fuck up is more like it.
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