Keinemusikfurdashund (dethcokediscord) wrote,

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Hot shit.

One day at a time is a hard concept for someone who just LOVES to worry about the future as much as I do. For example, I'm not even pregnant and I am still worrying about how I will continue going to meetings after I have a baby. Aside from more trivial things like this, I find myself worrying more and more about how this process will affect my marriage. How will the program change me? Who am I supposed to be now? If it does change me, how will Mark and our relationship adapt? What if this new person I am now becoming doesn't love Mark anymore? What if he doesn't love the new me?

This all may seem a bit extreme. I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict. My addiction doesn't affect my daily personality as severely therefore my recovery will presumably act the same way. So where am I pulling all of this from? Then today, as it so often happens to me this way, I finally figured out all at once what I'm really afraid of. I'm afraid, no, terrified of losing the weight because it may make me more attractive to other men. Yeah. I mean, fuck! Do you know anyone else in the world who is afraid to be hot? JESUS. Only I would invent something that retarded.

But when I think back about my history with men, I kinda feel that I have always been starved for male attention, as many girls who grow up with semi-absent fathers tend to be. Speaking of daddy issues, not only am I seriously afraid that all men are like my father, I also lay awake at night wondering if I am just like him too. A cheater. I wouldn't know. I've never had the opportunity. And that's what scares the everloving shit out of me. If I become hot shit and dudes start hitting on me on the reg, not EVEN on the reg but AT ALL, how am I going to deal with that? Especially during times like these when I miss the excitement of a new relationship, will I really be able to keep my vows?

And of course, like all other things I am afraid to tell Mark because I think they sound terrible, he hugged me and told me everything would be OK after I explained this to him. He even smiled gigantically and told me it was the sweetest and cutest thing he had ever heard. That my fear of extra attention and how it could hurt him was flattering. He then reminded me that not all men (yeah right, NO MAN) will be as understanding as him and that I should try to remember that before shitting on our marriage by way of infidelity. It's definitely a good way to look at it. Another good way: Worry about tomorrow tomorrow and for fuck's sake relax.
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