Keinemusikfurdashund (dethcokediscord) wrote,

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A history of nothing as remotely cool as violence.

I am officially on my first, first step. This step is basically the realization of your problem and admitting your powerlessness to yourself and at least one other person. I thought I was DEFINITELY covered since I've basically been broadcasting this whole fucking thing from the beginning to those interested enough to read and to listen to me in person. (BTW, thanks. :)) However, Sponsor says I may want to start this step by taking down a personal history. The torrid love affair between me and food. This is something I actually don't want to share, so of course I will. Taking any and all opportunities to make myself uncomfortable seems to be working for me. So here goes.

Was never, and I mean never, thin. For as long as I can remember, have been fat and love food. Rewarded with food. My grandmother offers me more food than any small kid should ever eat and gets mad when I don't say "no, thank you." (Jesus, the things you remember.) Single mother rarely cooks. Lots of fast food dinners. Mom's struggle with weight is constant and contagious. First time I started reading nutrition labels and counting calories was at age 8. Mom on and off diets. Fills house with low-cal fad foods for a few weeks then is back to normal junk. At school, well-liked by peers and teachers but teased by older kids. Well-meaning adult strangers tell me I'm too big for my age. Sister has to punk a few of my bullies.

Thinned out in high school but was still considered fat. Still living mostly off of fast food. Don't have many memories of overeating (besides when smoking pot, which I started to do occasionally). This is me at my healthiest, weirdly enough.

Pot smoking definitely contributing to overeating. Constantly hanging out with friends out of town, am NEVER home. Living off fast food hard core. And beer. Starting to work out and lose weight. Watching my sister become a vegetarian athlete who begins to lose a shit-ton of weight. Still not interested in dieting.

Post Grad
Still working out while online dating. Meet Mark. Stop working out. Breaking down and counting calories after back and knee pain begins. Lose 15 pounds in two weeks on a crash diet. Eat very little during the day to save all my calories for evening. Often gorge over my limit after work. Gain it all back in a matter of months. Finally combine working out with calorie counting after best friend loses a shit-ton of weight. Fall completely off the wagon while planning my wedding. Gain weight for my wedding. Decide to lose weight before having a baby. Hire two consecutive personal trainers and count calories. Lose 8 pounds. Stop counting calories and slacking at the gym. Plateau for 6 months. 

Find OA. Start to pay attention to what fullness and overfullness feels like. Counting calories during the week but almost never need to consume my entire daily limit due to fullness. Yet to exclude any certain foods from diet. Evening out meals so they are proportionate to each other. Roughly planning my entire week's dinners every Monday. Learning to avoid stress eating. Practicing other coping mechanisms. Not rewarding myself with food. No longer being afraid of hunger.

It's actually a little hard to separate my history of food from my history in this body. They are somewhat one in the same.
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