Keinemusikfurdashund (dethcokediscord) wrote,

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I think I could be bipolar. If a mild condition of bipolar exists, I could have it. Of course, I could just be full of shit. Who knows? The point is that for whatever reason, I am beginning to have intense feelings and a shit-ton of nervous energy to try and figure out how to use. I have a good idea that it's because I'm "not in the food" as they say. Nonetheless, I am beginning to feel 19 years old again--scared, confused, and afraid to be alone. Going through my entire LJ probably doesn't help.

I worked from home today and I've only really been WORKING for a few hours and I feel extremely alone and am compelled to find someone to talk to. I generally feel weepy and weak. The only thing that about this scenario that is different from the constant reoccurring fits of loneliness I had when I was younger is that I'm not mad at myself. It would probably take a lot for me to get back into that whole. Not to mention, I'm not "alone." I guess I wasn't alone back then either. I just chose to bitch about myself publicly and passively but never really reaching out to those I probably could have.

What would make me really uncomfortable right now is to call one of the many numbers I have collected from meetings. And, ugh, that means I have to do it. I kinda thought I had had my daily discomfort for today when I decided to call my dad and tell him I was in program and invite him to a meeting. (He accepted very easily and almost enthusiastically, which half surprised me.) But yeah. I guess I have to use my phone and try not to resent my need for people when it rears its head.
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