Keinemusikfurdashund (dethcokediscord) wrote,

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I am really chickening out on the whole kids thing. Today, I had to take a pregnancy test and when it came out negative, I was almost more relieved than sad, which is weird. The last time I had to test, I was equally sad and relieved. I thought I would get progressively sadder with every negative test. However, since we've taken a break so I can go to Coachella and party properly and I've thrown myself into 12-step (those two sound weird in the same sentence), having a hell-spawn has definitely taken a back seat. This realization alone scares the shit out of me.

I mean, it's not like there is much in life that I'm not terrified of. We all now how much I like to whine about shit that hasn't even happened yet. However, me going back and forth between wanting a baby NOW and not being able to care less about a damn baby in the span of mere weeks makes me beg the question, "What am I going to do when it actually happens? How the hell am I going to feel then?" It just makes me feel irresponsible, impulsive, and dumb.

Are my life and mind instantly going to change as soon as that little plus sign shows up? Nothing in my life ever seems to change just like that, in the blink of an eye. I can't imagine it being like that. Yet, who knows? Certainly not me. I just know that when there was not plus sign today, I sighed in relief and was thankful for more time to work on me and sew the last of my wild oats. But when the hell is work on myself every going to be done? When the hell will I run out of wild oats to sew? Probably never. What the fuck do I do with that?
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