Keinemusikfurdashund (dethcokediscord) wrote,

  • Mood:

Game on.

One thing in life I have always feared, and feared alike my reaction to it, is pressure. It seems every time I start to succeed and the fruits of that success become apparent to me, I am as close to stumbling as I will ever be, if not already there. I panic every time I take a new job. I know I freaked out as soon as I realized my future husband actually liked me shortly after we met years ago. And now that I find myself in my 60th day of recovery, 10 pounds lighter than when I started, the hunger or rather the fear of the hunger is almost always at the edge of my thoughts. The scary thing is that I can't tell the difference--whether I am really craving a binge or just paralyzed in fear of it.

Emotions in general, whether they be positive or negative, make the food just that much more attractive. And fear is one powerful fucker. It almost feels like the inbred cousin of sadness and stress--my two biggest triggers. I feel like I've been fighting a bear off with a stick all week. There have been times I have gotten tired, lowered my guard for a split second, only to feel a claw swipe at my face. Then I am instantly snapped back into the battle. I am far from unscathed. But still alive. Still abstinent.

I kind of can't believe no one in program has made a terrible Hunger Games pun lately. I've been wanting to laugh at those words all week. Every time someone mentions going to see that movie, I think PSH movie. I'm living a fucking hunger game. How To Play: Figure out if you're really hungry. Object Of Game: Survival. Pretty similar. If only I could have a sweet bow and arrow. That would be sick.
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