Keinemusikfurdashund (dethcokediscord) wrote,
Keinemusikfurdashund
dethcokediscord

Imaginary girl.

I have always wanted a little girl. This is a natural bi-product of living in a girls-only household, i.e. an open-door nudist utopia where everyone says how they feel and cries at the drop of a hat. So it doesn't surprise me that I grew up to want a little baby girl, a tiny me to whom I would say "I'm your mother, not your fucking buddy," but secretly regard as my best friend in the world. What does surprise me is what happened to me when I was convinced that the baby inside me was this little person, and then it turned out to be a boy.

Some of my favorite babies in the world are boys. Shit, most of my favorite adults in the world are boys. I am historically more connected to boys than girls. Yet, when I felt in my heart that my baby was a girl, this picture of her and our lives together started to come into focus a little more every day. I saw her face, I planned her "style," I anticipated her tiny showings of personality that would be a perfect mix of me and her dad. While I really didn't picture much that can't or won't happen with my son, all of these daydreams were wiped away in an instant when I was told he was a boy. It was simply because I had never even bothered to picture a son.

At first, I giggled. I was shocked. But still, I thought I was fine. A little mild disappointment but nothing crazy. As the day wore on, I tried to imagine this new little person, trying to get myself excited. Yet I couldn't stop seeing my daughter's face, the one I had constructed. For the life of me, I tried to just leave the image behind, clear the slate to create a new one. But I can't get past the feeling that I had this baby girl and now she is gone forever. I feel like I lost my baby.

Two days after hearing the news and I am still choking back tears. I am devastated, and more so, I am ashamed and disgusted. My son is healthy and I know I already love him but I can't bother to feel joy over him because I am too busy mourning an imaginary girl. A friend told me that this happens and that I need to let go of this shame. I know I can't help my feelings, even though I know they are stupid. All I can do is believe this will pass, simply because it needs to. I need to love my boy, even more than I loved the girl in my head.
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