Keinemusikfurdashund (dethcokediscord) wrote,

You're here.

I am currently watching you sleep. I can't say I do that a lot. Sure, I pop into the room occasionally to check on you and I have a powerful urge to put a mirror under your nose every time you make a weird noise in the wee hours of the night, but I fight it. I wasn't quite sure if I would be one of those moms--completely memorized by your babiness and obsessively protective of it. I was worried I would completely lose myself as soon as you arrived and would grow to resent you for it.

My sister made a pretty apt prediction. She said, "You will love your baby. But you love you, too." And that pretty much sums up the story of you and me thus far. After a demoralizing experience with breastfeeding, I quit and gave you formula. If your life depended on my breast, I would have kept with it without a single complaint. Instead, I decided not to torture myself for weeks in order to give you a marginal advantage. I got out of the house by myself a week after you were born, guilt-free. And I didn't miss you. But I kissed your tiny face to an obscene degree the second I got home, grateful for some restored balance in my life if only for that day.

I am devoted to you but I don't worship you. You're the most important thing but your dad and I are important too.

Speaking of your dad, probably the most shocking thing that has come from all of this is how much more I love him now that he's your dad. I've heard other women say that they never knew they could love someone so much until their babies were born. But your dad is still the one person who continues to redefine love for me. He's widening my capacity for it every day. I love you both in different ways but on surprisingly equal plains.

I hope when/if you ever read this, you aren't completely offended by my lack of fanfare around your arrival. Don't get me wrong. I am still convinced you are the single most important thing that has ever happened to me. I lose sleep, PRECIOUS SLEEP, over thinking about how you will grow, what you will look like, what your passions will be, what your future will hold. Your dad and I talk about how we are going to raise you more than anything else these days. And how handsome you already are. It's pretty gross. :) So no worries. You are in good hands, baby bear.
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After my niece's second check up, it was deemed that she had not only not gained weight but had lost it because she wasn't eating enough. My sister wasn't producing enough milk and she really took it as a personal failure. She's the type who doesn't eat packaged food, so she felt really awful about having to feed her baby formula. She kept up both for a month until it ran dry, but she was only able to get 1oz of milk at a time from the breast and that's really not enough. Even the nurses and lactation people gave her grief about it. She wanted to, but couldn't. In talking with other moms she found out it's a lot more common than you'd think. And, whatever your reasons, it's truly your choice.
Hey! Just wondering if you are alive! Going through my friends list and wondering how everyone is doing :P
I'm here! Hi! I've been keeping up with your journal, too. Mine has turned into a private recovery journal. I'm in a 12-step program and it requires a lot of writing so I do it here. But I also started a mom/fashion blog if you want to check it out. You can see it at

I still feel like I've known you forever, it's so weird. lol. Would you be down to friend me on Facebook? If not, I totally understand. Some people use FB for IRL friends only so that's cool.
sure that would be awesome! There is a link on my LJ. I have other LJ friends on there, so its cool
And that is cool you are in a 12 step program, I hope it is helping you
It's pretty cool when you learn how to interpret all the "god" shit. hahaha