Keinemusikfurdashund (dethcokediscord) wrote,

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Moving on to phase two of step one. This is something I think I have been putting off. This is the time I am supposed to admit that my life had become unmanageable because of my addiction. What I find so challenging about this part is how it will proceed to take the blindfolds off and force me to look at my life as a list of missed opportunities and shortcomings. And once that blindfold is off, it's all over. My addiction will no longer be a "safe" place for me in which to hide. It never has been but now I will know it.

I also don't want to realize that all the work I did on myself to be OK with me and my body was in vain. All the acceptance I learned was just harboring and protecting my addict. I have to remember that it's great to be OK with me. But it's not so great to settle for anything less then the best I can do and the happiest I can live. My addict holds me back and I have to call her out. So here goes.

Things Impacted By My Overeating

1. Physical health - This is an easy one. Back and knee pain, gallstones, and fatty liver were never enough for me to think I had a problem. They should have been.

2. Confidence - I can't deny that my weight was a big part of my lack of confidence. It may not have been the only part but it still existed.

3. Relationships with men - Low self confidence would lead me to desperate, self-deprecating actions. I used sex to get love and it never worked.

4. Social handicaps - Always excluded myself from social occasions that involved physical activity because it would draw attention to the fact that I was out of shape and incapable of keeping up with my peers. Also, limited my activities because of my need to always have control of my food. Wouldn't go out at certain times because I HAD TO eat at certain times.

5. Shame - Every single person who has called me fat. Every single person who has said I would be pretty if I weren't fat. Every time I was embarrassed about my body. Was even kicked off a roller coaster because the seat belt wouldn't fasten over me. Ugh.

I feel like there is more but it's getting hard to dig farther. I get so afraid that I am lying to myself sometimes about certain things but I have to remember that this is a lifelong process, one that I have just started to explore. I am bound to make mistakes and will probably never stop discovering new things about me and my disease. All I can do is have the best intentions coupled with the best of my abilities. 
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